Death is Coming to Dinner
by Bleeding Star Goddess
Summary: Harry is dead... don't panic its not that bad. But while he's waiting for Heaven and Hell to sort out where he goes, they sent his soul to the only place it would be safe.... HP/DM POINTLESS HUMOR AND BAD PUNS, Language, OC, WIP, F/M/M, Slash, TransG, H/C
1. Chapter 00 Hello!

**Title:** Death is Coming to Dinner 

**Chapter:** 0/?

**Author:** Bleeding Star Goddess (aka BSG) and can be contacted at or count: 574

**Pairing:** Draco/Harry, Snape/Harry (both one-sided), Death/Chaos, Death/Order

**Rating:** M

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warnings:** This is a shameless self-insertion (and really, those are the best and no other way). Also, I'm well aware what this fic is like, it was done for fun for me and... Well mostly me, don't bother flaming, I know this is self-insertion so let me save you the trouble of you trying to tell me . Major Character death… yeah... and pointless humor with bad puns…

**Summary:** Harry has died… relax though; it's not as bad as it sounds. He died before he was supposed to, in fact, Death didn't even do it. So because of his unnatural end there's a problem between Heaven and Hell on who gets Harry. Until they sort the problem out, they send him to the one and only being that will keep Harry's soul safe… Death!

----

**Chapter 00: Hello!**

His head was pounding and his entire body ached. He couldn't even recall why he was in such pain. All he could remember was talking to Hermione on the pitch and then… nothing…

He sat up and blinked when he saw that he **wasn't** in the hospital wing. If he wasn't, then that might explain why he was still in pain. He got out of the bed and gulped when he realized he wasn't in the dorms either.

He was in a king-sized bed with black sheets and a giant yin-yang symbol across the covers. The walls were painted black and burgundy and Chinese lanterns hung from the ceiling. A sliding glass door led out to a balcony covered in flowers of all different colors and looked over a sandy beach with an endlessly blue ocean, the soft scent of salt mixed and mingled with the flowers' aromas. The room was well furnished and comfortable but Harry didn't really pay attention to that as he headed towards the only other door.

He walked out the doorway and down the hall with his back against the wall, he would glance at the sleeping cats he passed in the hallway. He inched a bit a ways from the wall and looked over the banister.

There were paintings on the wall he left and items on stands even against the banister's carved wood. He picked up a rather beautiful blue glass vase for a weapon since everything else was too big, his eyes still looking down over the banister and onto the first floor.

He heard soft singing, albeit bad singing but singing nonetheless. He slipped silently down the wooden stairs and passed through what appeared to be a living room and dining room, to stop just outside the room where the singing was loudest. Now that he could hear the singer he noted a female voice, it wasn't horrible just average.

He glanced in and saw a rather short woman with naturally red streaked blonde hair that went past her shoulder blades singing and dancing in a kitchen as she filled a cup of instant ramen with water before putting it into the microwave.

A black cat was sitting on the counter and watched her as she tapped its nose with thin violinist fingers. She then turned away from the sink and pointedly gazed at the doorway.

"Harry sweetie, why don't you come out and we'll fix you something up yes?"

He blinked, well, so much for hiding. He leaned off the wall and peeked into the kitchen.

She gave a blissful sigh as she stared at him.

"Yes, your eyes are much prettier without your glasses…"

He blinked again and touched his face, they were indeed gone; he scowled and glared at her.

"Where am I?" he demanded.

She waved a dismissive hand.

"Relax darlin', you're perfectly safe."

"Who ARE you?"

She giggled as she walked out of the kitchen; she was dressed in a simple black robe with a hood. Harry instantly thought 'Death Eater' but he didn't think he would be at the Death Eater's house if that was the case.

She led him over to the bar and sat him on one of the stools, she gently took the vase out of his hand and his jaw dropped as she just waved her hand and he watched it float out of the room and presumably up the stairs back to its little stand.

"How rude of me," she replied as she snapped her fingers and lit the large red-brown candle with the fire that danced on the tips of them, "let me introduce myself, I'm Death!"

She blinked as she watched Harry faint.

----

Wah don't hurt me! I promise there will be more! And I want to thank Beth for giving me the courage to actually POST this baby kisses lips No cake required!

**::: PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:::** This isn't happening, this is a bad dream, I'm back in the dorms and I just had a bad fall from practice... yeah, that's it...  
"Wakey wakey Harry!"  
I'm not sleeping in Death's bed!  
"Of course you are silly! Who else's bed would it be?"  
GAH!


	2. Chapter 01 I Am the Grim Reaper

**Title:** Death is Coming to Dinner

**Chapter:** 1/?

**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warnings:** **This is a shameless self-insertion** (and really, those are the best and no other way). Also, I'm well aware what this fic is like, it was done for fun for me and... well mostly me, don't bother flaming, I know this is self-insertion so let me save you the trouble of you trying to tell me . Major Character death… yeah... and pointless humor with bad puns…

**Summary:** Harry has died… relax though; it's not as bad as it sounds. He died before he was supposed to, in fact, Death didn't even do it. So because of his unnatural end there's a problem between Heaven and Hell on who gets Harry. Until they sort the problem out, they send him to the one and only being that will keep Harry's soul safe… Death!

**-0-0**

**Chapter 01: I Am The Grim Reaper**

I felt my brows knit together; I had had the strangest dream. I sighed, nice and warm in my bed, pulling the silk sheets closer to my chin… and then I stopped… I don't have silk sheets. I clenched my eyes tightly. This isn't happening, this is a bad dream, I'm back in the dorms and I just had a bad fall from practice... yeah, that's it...

"Wakey wakey Harry!"

I'm not sleeping in Death's bed!

"Of course you are silly! Who else's bed would it be?"

GAH!

I shivered as the sheets were pulled off and sat up glaring at the woman.

"You are **_NOT_** Death!"

She blinked and just smiled.

"Of course I am silly boy! Who would I be if not myself?"

"I don't know! Maybe you're some nut bag!"

She frowned and hopped onto the bed… her bed…

"Oh now Harry, that's not a very nice thing to say."

"Tell me why I should believe you?" I hissed.

She sighed and I watched as her smile disappeared and she frowned.

"Alright Harry, why don't you believe I'm who I say I am? What could I possibly gain from lying to the dead?"

"I DON'T…" I gasped and gulped, "De-Dead?" I shook my head and glared. "No! No I'm not dead!"

"I suppose you want me to prove that to you as well…" she sighed, speaking mostly to herself as she stood. "Alright, time to get up baby doll, there's a lot of explaining to do."

She held out her hand to me and I eyed it before finally sighing and taking it, I didn't trust her but she was apparently waiting for something is she hadn't hurt me yet.

We walked back out of her room and towards the living room, the cat's still sleeping. She sat me down on a dark brown leather sofa and she stood in front of a rather large flat screen television. I glanced to the side and noticed more clear sliding doors leading to the same beach.

"I really hadn't wanted to show you yet, but you, honey, are a very difficult house guest sometimes," I watched as she rotated her wrist and an ornate silver hand-held mirror appeared in her waiting fingers. She walked over to me - side stepping the wooden table - and sat down on the couch.

"Harry, doll, what I'm about to show is not a trick, you have my word of honor on that…"

I gulped as her crystal blue eyes met with mine and I nodded.

She nodded as well before holding up the mirror to my face; nothing unusual there except I could see without my glasses. Then she trailed the mirror down, and my neck and my collarbone were reflected. She stopped at my chest and moved it towards my left I gasped and pushed her away.

"No!"

"Yes," she whispered.

My eyes widened and slowly I trailed a hand up my bare chest and with shaking fingers, I touched the gapping hole where my heart should be. I sobbed and flinched my hand away as I touched the edge and pulled back to see some blood on my fingers.

"**_NO_**!" I screamed as I clenched my eyes shut and pressed the heel of my palms against them.

I didn't hear her move, I only felt very cold hands pull my own away and felt even colder lips kiss my lids.

"Open your eyes sweetie," she whispered.

"No! No, this isn't real! It's not true!"

Her arms wrapped around me.

"It is Harry; open your eyes so I can explain…"

"I don't want to hear it!" I screamed as I shoved her away.

I jumped up; I needed to get out of here! I saw the door to the beach and ran for it, slamming it open and not caring about the sound of shattering glass as I ran.

I ran till I reached the coastline and then I turned right towards the endless coast and just… ran. I ran for what seemed forever, my legs never tired, my breath never shortened, my thirst never heightened, and my body never ached and I never slowed.

I did not look behind me, afraid she was following. I just ran, there was only the eternity of the sandy beach and the infinity of the blue ocean. It was endless. I could run forever and I planned too.

I just kept running, my legs never hurt and I planned to use that. I glanced over my shoulder briefly and saw that the house was nowhere in sight.

But that seemed to be a mistake - to look back - because my body suddenly collapsed, but my mind was screaming at me to run more. Everything hurt, everything cramped and it was hard to breathe. I panted as I rested my head on my clenched hands, some sand got into my mouth but I was in too much pain to care.

"My my my, what have we here?" I couldn't look up, but I knew by the voice that it wasn't the woman from the house. "Didn't anyone tell you not to stray from heaven little soul? Or maybe you escaped from **our** domain… but I doubt it."

I gasped as my hair was gripped and my head was forced up. I gulped as I gazed upon a being with curled ram horns protruding from his temples and wrapping around his neck only to wind back up to twist around his blue pointed ears. He gave a curled, stomach-tossing smile as solid black eyes gazed down upon me. A blue claw like hand tilted my head from side-to-side as nails dug into my chin and the thing suddenly smiled rows and rows of fangs gleaming in the invisible sun.

"My my my, what a find what a find!" it chuckled.

I struggled but my body was still drained.

"To think that this little well of power just came to me!" it pulled me up by my hair harder and I felt a cry of pain escape my lips. It tilted my head to the side, baring my neck. "What a find indeed," he hissed into my ear and then licked my neck.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the end before I was abruptly pushed back. I opened my eyes and gulped as I scrambled backwards even further with what energy I had left.

A tall figure cloaked in a robe as black as the darkness of a soul stood over the creature, giant skeletal bat wings with a few white and black feathers clinging onto the bones for all their existence swayed in the nonexistent wind. Stark white skeleton hands gripped a huge ornate scythe between the creature and the dark angel that cast a shadow far more reaching than the figure's tall visage.

The creature stumbled away from the figure hissing.

"Forgive me!" it cried out.

"How dare you beg me for anything demon," two voices seemed to come out of the dark angel, male and female voices mixed and a melodic echo resounded against my skull.

"I did not know the soul was yours!"

I could almost feel the angel's sneer.

"It shouldn't have mattered," the two voices hissed.

Those skeleton hands raised the silver scythe, the sleeves of the robes swaying in the same wind as the feathers. The wings flexed and with one swing, the scythe was brought down. A harsh slice filled the silent air and blood splattered across the sand.

The reaper, for that's all it could be seemed to stare at the dead body before its head turned and had I the strength, I would have ran, but I cursed my weakened body as the reaper completely turned to face me. Beneath the hood, only glowing red eyes gazed out from the darkness. This was the angel of death. I gulped as it glided over to me, looming over me. It knelt down, using the scythe as some sort of cane.

Those same skeleton hands that had gripped the scythe - the bringer of death - reached for the hood. I shivered and grabbed a fistful of sand. It pulled back the hood and the woman from before smiled at me.

"My you're troublesome sweetie!"

I fainted.

**-0-0**

I promise that Harry fainting at the end of each chapter is not going to be a common occurrence (lest the situation calls for it).

:PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:

"You're quite troublesome even as a soul Harry!"  
"Get away from me!"  
"Oh, that's not very nice! I mean, we may very well be spending eternity together so we might as well become friends!"  
"I think I'm going to cry..."


End file.
